Sunday, 3 January 2010

16 Years of Rachel Taylor

So I was supposed to make this on Facebook, but it won't allow me to post embarassing photos of the person in question, so I'm afraid my Blog is going to host this classic.

Ten years ago, when myself and my dear friend Lauren were just minding our own business, enjoying our school holidays in my back garden, doing the things that children do, an innocent child walked into our lives. Yes, through the gate that attached my back garden to the house next door, came Rachel Taylor. That was to be the first of many many occasions that we would use that gate for our own puposes. This is the story of my ten years of knowing this complete lug.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF "RACHEL" (is that your name? really?)

It was a warm day in May, that day. And back in those days, she was a sweet and innocent child. And one that would not say boo to a goose, if I remember rightly. BUT I SOON CHANGED IT ALL.

She blossomed amongst the awesomeone people that lived on our street. Or maybe it was just my influence, I don't know- but she became a cheeky little sod. (Okay, it WAS my fault. I MADE HER WHAT SHE IS TODAY.)
For many years we lived our carefree childhoods, eating our tea on the table in my backgarden. Spending our days pratting about with no shoes on.
In a few short years Taylor went from being a cute child who used to say to me "Rachel? I look up to you. But not because you're taller than me", to an absolute sheer and utter classic who would throw pens at people's HOUSES, and eat 9 packets of cheesey dippers in one go. Not to mention hiding her cheese sandwiches behind the piano and getting grounded for ten minutes before Bevsta saw the error of her ways and allowed her back out LOL.
Ah Bevsta, Rachel's dear mother. She always was a classic. And at no time was she ever classicer than the day she let me & Rachel get a Guinea Pig to share :') (Well, we did mither her for several long months before we were permitted to do so.)
So one fine day, we went to the petshop and came back with Angel. A 3 month old Himalayan Guinea Pig. We spent many an hour brushing that Guinea Pig and having fun with her. But Angel was lonely on her own, so a year or so later it was decided that we would get her a friend. Off to a breeder we went this time, and we came back with the one and only, extremely furry, Belle...

More time passed and by this point Taylor was not beyond exposing herself as a complete freak. She went from a marvellous child on a Barbie bike that was too small for her, cycling around at full speed, knees at her head, down Jenna's garden path, out of site, CRASH. To a complete and utter circus member...

Oh the joys of childhood. I once went to watch her school play. She was covered in dirt and sang I KNOW A CASTLE ON A CLOUD... I gave her her very own technicoloured dreamcoat... I remained her friend even when she had an operation on her toes and had to walk around with the tops cut out of her trainers... I still didn't fall out with her when she threw a potato smiley in my garden bush... Still our friendship remained true when she tipped a whole bottle of strawberry bubble bath on my head... We even had matching monkey t-shirts at one point... We went from Mike & Mitchell, to Tony & Bony... The first time she got MSN and I was her only contact she asked me "is that really you?"... I allowed her to experience her first gig- BUSTED... I battled those that bullied her (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN)... We went through many pains together, as you can see in the photo (yes that HURT, Jenna)...  I supported her through the time she thought it would be a good idea to put chips through people's letterboxes... Think I even lied to save her ass a few times LOL... When camera phones were invented, we made pig stretch pictures... I taught her the art of shopping...

Then one day, without warning, it happened....

Yes, the gimp grew up.
What could I do?
Nothing could be done.
This complete and utter lug that I had once watched run through the garden in flashing Barbie trainers (yes, run through the garden racing someone who then got stuck in a bush, I might add.)
This youngen was growing fast.

Suddenly, before we knew it, we were getting old.
And we had new past times.
GOIN TA MORRIZ. Where we fought off THAT EGG together.
And we had our park, of course.

We dug up a time capsule we had burried long ago..

She got up at 6am to find out what I got for my A-Levels. And then after I got my Japanese A-Level result, we had a nice leisurley trip to Blackpool...

She joined me in crazy ventures...

Then before we knew it, IT WAS THE END OF AN ERA. I moved away from our conjoined house (yes, we LIVED IN THE SAME BUILDING, TBH) to go to university...

But that was not the end NO.
Because ofcourse, I returned on frequent occasions.
One christmas two years ago, we had a joyous reunion with someone we had not seen in a long time... LAUREN..

I assisted her in meeting my dear friend Jemi, for their first introduction. We took another trip to Blackpool for old times sake and Taylor helped me battle the NORTH VS SOUTH battle against Jemi.

Then during the Summer Taylor accompanied me to London to get my visa for Japan. We also went on a short trip to see Buckingham Palace. However, we did not know what Buckingham Palace actually looked like. We through we found it when we came accross a big building with lots of tourists outside, so we asked this guy who was photographing it, "SORRY BUT, WHAT IS THAT BUILDING?" He told us he didn't know, to which I thought, why the hell are you taking photos of it then? But anyway, it did turn out to be the Queen's house. And to be honest we were both disappointed, Buckingham Palace is an ugly, boring building.
You can even see we are NOT impressed...

Then in September 2009 I LEFT FOREVER.
Okay, thats a lie.
I went to Japan for a year.
Which is where I am now.
However today is Rachel Taylor's 16th birthday, incase you hadn't guessed. So I am making this good tribute for her, to mark our ten year lug date.
She is a gooden I tell thee.
Not even lying.
But so?
Just to mark the occasion, I'd like to say that, in short:


And to finish, how can Rachel Taylor help enhance your life?
Some Taylor solutions and suggestions to YOUR problems:

What should I do if I own a 40 inch TV but don't have a liscence, and the TV Liscensing people are at my door?
Put a dressing gown over it.

What should I do if I have a hole the size of Africa in my tights?
Just say to whoever you are with "I've got a hole in my tights."

What should I do if I am passing a CCTV camera with a digestive biscuit in my hand?
Show it to the camera and shout "DIGESTIVVVVVVVVVE!"

What should I do if a leaf falls into my dinner?
Just make sure everyone else around you knows, by saying "LOOK."

What should I do if I tell someone i've 'BIN TA MORRIZ' and they ignore me?
Call them an ignorant frizz.

What should I do if my dog coughs up some rancid fish net of sick?
Get on MSN and tell Rachel Slater to come round and remove it ASAP.

What should I do if I go to my friend's university dormitory and feel thirsty?
Enter the communal kitchen and help yourself to anyone's drinks.

What should I do if I'm bored on a rainy day?
Bluetooth your friends dad "Smack That" through the wall.

What should I do if I find an old rag on the 192 bus?
Bring it off the bus with you and throw it at your friend.

And now to finish... an all time favourite..

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