50 THINGS WE HATE, by Rachel & Louise

50.) SLOW WALKERS.


Why do you exist? Do you think we have got nothing better to do in our lives than walk so slow that we are at one with the snails. Speed up, or get in the slow lane.



49.) PRAMS

Just because you couldn't keep your legs shut doesn't mean I deserve to be run over by your oversized, overpriced baby bed on wheels. You do not have a right of way just because you spawned another little chav in your uterus. Oh, and when you're getting on the bus, fold it the fuck up, because I want to sit on the front seat.



48.) CHARGING FOR CARRIER BAGS IN SHOPS

I'm sorry but are you that desperate?



47.) SPEAKING OF CARRIER BAGS, "DO YOU WANT A CARRIER BAG?"

No, I'm just going to carry a week's worth of shopping in my hand.



46.) PEOPLE GIVING OUT LEAFLETS OR TRYING TO GET YOU WITH CLIPBOARDS

No, I dont want a haircut. I'm not interested in Jesus. And I don't use deodrant. So just FUCK OFF.



45.) PEOPLE WHO WHISPER ALL THE WAY THROUGH A FILM IN THE CINEMA

I'm not saying I'm entiley innocent, because when I was 15 I used to pay to go into a film and cause disruption. However, I did it for the thrill. If you can't stop your shit conversation for 2 hours of your life, you don't deserve to be on this planet.



44.) HERE COME THE GIRLS

No body fucking likes Boots.



43.) PARK CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE

Who the hell plans ahead for Christmas 3010?



42.) WHEN YOU'RE 394832948 MILES BEHIND SOMEONE AND THEY HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU, AND YOU HAVE TO RUN

I'm actually capable of opening the door myself, and it requires less energy than the 100mph sprint I had to do to reach you.



41.) SPEAKING OF DOORS, WHEN YOU'RE BEHIND SOMEONE FOR LIKE 10 DOORS IN A ROW, AND THEY HOLD EVERY DOOR OPEN FOR YOU.

Saying thanks everytime gets boring, if not awkward.



40.) WHEN YOU'RE IN A RESTAURANT AND THEY ASK YOU "IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH YOUR MEAL?" AT THE EXACT MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE YOUR MOUTH FULL

Next time I think I will just show you the entire contents of my mouth and say "you tell me, how does it look?"



39.) PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET, WHO CANNOT SPELL OR USE CORRECT GRAMMAR

Learn how to spell before you hit the keyboard.

Common mistakes:

Your and You're

Their and There

Two and To



Common misspellings:

Ppl

Kwl

Dat



38.) COUPLES WHO INSIST ON MAKING OUT IN PUBLIC

I just puked in my mouth a little bit. Get a room.



37.) PEOPLE WHO CANNOT CONTROL THEIR CHILDREN

Give them a fucking good hiding and tell them to shut the fuck up please.



36.) PEOPLE WHO WALK DOWN THE STREET EATING

Can you not just wait for 5 fucking minutes?



35.) PEOPLE WHO CANT KEEP THEIR ELBOWS TO THEMSELVES ON BUSES

I'd hate to see you reading a broadsheet if you can't even keep your elbow from breaking my ribs with your shitty heat magazine.



34.) INDIES WHO THINK THEY'RE ORIGINAL

They are all so busy trying to be original, that none of them seem to notice they all look the same



33.) CHAVS SHARING THEIR MUSIC WITH THE WORLD

Do you understand the concept of the earphone?



32.) GIGGLEY, SILLY GIRLS

Listen to yourself. The brothel is that way.



31.) PEOPLE WHO MAKE A HUGE DEAL WHEN THEY MISS A BUS THAT COMES EVERY 5 MINUTES

Fucking hell why didn't you just get a career in drama



30.) PEOPLE WHO TRY TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION IN MANCHESTER

Getting out their stereos, busting some moves, tranna be Michael Jackson. No.



29.) PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT A CULTURE THEY'VE CHOSEN TO LIVE IN

Either like it, or get out. Preferabley the latter.



28.) DISNEYLAND ADVERTS

Not every person under the age of 15 has a cornary when they are told they are being dragged to this overly sweet and sickly hell hole.



27.) THE WAY AMERICANS SAY 'PALM'

Polm is not a word, actually.



26.) EMMA GWILT NOT CONTACTING YOU FOR 4 MONTHS

Who the fuck even is she?



25.) KATIE PRICE GOING BACK TO SLAGDOM

I preferred it when you were a really boring part of that programme, where Peter Andre just used to stand in the kitchen waffling on about his life. And if you don't want them horses, I'll have em.



24.) BOG OF OFER

Its not even spelt as 'bog off'.



23.) 13 YEAR OLD GIRLS THINKING THEY'RE MATURE JUST BECAUSE THEY'VE DISCOVERED EYELINER

I hope you blind yourself



22.) PEOPLE WHO START A CONVERSATION WITH "HOW ARE YOU?"

Clearly don't give a damn.



21.) MEN IN THOSE SHIT OVERSIZED CHRISTMAS JUMPERS FROM PRIMARK OR TOPSHOP

You look like a fucking wufter



20.) MEN IN GENERAL

Man up and be a man. Yours sincerely, Louise Howard



19.) PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE REALLY HARD ON THE INTERNET

Yes I am shaking at my keyboard, because I really care what you think!



18.) PEOPLE WHO SIT NEXT TO YOU WHEN THE WHOLE BUS IS EMPTY

Piss off



17.) PEOPLE WHO OPEN THE WINDOW ON THE BUS WHEN ITS MINUS 5 OUTSIDE

Go back to where you came from, ya eskimo



16.) GIRLS WHO WEAR RIDICULOUSLY HIGH HEELS AND THINK THEY LOOK GOOD

You. Can't. Walk.

SNAP.

You have broken your neck, soz.



15.) MASSIVE BUNS ON THE TOP OF ONE'S HEAD

In no universe does this look goo



14.) PEOPLE WHO CANNOT GET OFF THEIR FUCKING MOBILE PHONE FOR ONE MINUTE ON THE BUS/ IN THE SHOP

Stop talking to your fucking dad



13.) PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE GOOD SITTING IN STARBUCKS WITH THEIR LAPTOPS

Get off microsoft paint and get a life. Oh and buy a kettle.



12.) PEOPLE WHO TAKES AGES TO REPLY TO EMAILS

Don't try to pretend you have an exciting life. I know I am your only friend.



11.) THEM STUPID "HEADBANDS" THAT LOOK LIKE HATS

You look like a twat.



10.) THEM UGLY FAKE ANIMAL FUR COATS

Firstly, its quite warm. Secondly, you look like a knobhead. Thirdly, that coat needs a wash.



09.) PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE REALLY INTO VINTAGE

You just bought that from topshop. You have no idea what the 1960s was like.



08.) PEOPLE WHO WALK AROUND IN EQUESTRIAN COATS AND JODPHURS.

If you so much as looked at a horse you would break a nail. Plus the maroon coats look like morrisons uniform



07.) PEOPLE TAKING A YEAR AT THE ATM MACHINE

Don't pretend you have money. Now slide that fiver in your purse and roll.



06.) PEOPLE WHO WALK UP AND DOWN ESCALATORS

Go back to London



05.) PEOPLE WHO THINK "RECIEVE" IS SPELT "RECIEVE"
Just because the dictionary says it is spelt "recieve" doesn't mean IT ACTUALLY IS
04.) PEOPLE WHO ASK YOU HOW YOU ARE, JUST SO YOU WILL ASK THEM, THEN THEY CAN MOAN ABOUT THEIR LIVES
I don't give a fuck

03.) SOUTHERNERS

Why are you littering my city? You all look the same. You all dress the same. And unfortunatley for me, you all talk with the same shitty accent. No body on the bus wants to hear about your fucking gap year. No one wants to hear about what you did last night. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU GOT YOUR FUCKING MUM FOR HER FUCKING 100TH BIRTHDAY. Why do you have to talk so frigging loud, and in such a fucking Kiera Knightley way? Stop piling on the busses constantly. Stop trying to look "grimey" yet "fit"- the two do not go together. Wash your hair once in a blue moon. And next time you try to make the journey from the South to the North, look out for the wall that I am currently building entitled "The Great Divide". It seperates the scum (you) from the bourgeois (us.)

02.) ANIMAL CRUELTY
Perhaps I will come and rip your limbs off and the RSPCA will give me a little fine of £25. After all, an earthworm has more intelligence than you.
01.) PEOPLE WHO WRITE LISTS ABOUT THINGS THEY HATE
Get a fucking life.